The Collected Wisdom of Dr. Peregrine Inverbon

The Inuit Diet

12/1/98

I must admonish my dear friend John Winters for not providing suitable
safety instructions on the eating of Caribou paunch.

Paunch is the primary propellant for Inuit crotch dirigibles so a good host
ties his guests down to a handy rock. Once in Labrador I tied down a friend
with a slip knot that came undone while he was molesting a young Inuit girl
and it took three days for him to come down somewhere over Quebec. Unable
to speak French he was arrested and jailed as a Canadian spy. The Canadian
government had to buy his freedom with ten pounds of poutine and a
truckload of American cigarettes. The expenditure set the government's
balanced budget back four years and it would have been longer if they
hadn't cut education spending by 21%.

But I digress.

The noted migration anthropologist Wayfarer Jones has uncovered pictographs
in South America showing Inuit flying at low levels through the Andes
leaving a vapour trail of partially digested paunch in the sky. These trails were
confused by gas station attendants in Las Vegas as flying saucer trails or,
when wind currents were right, as the face of the Virgin Mary. No doubt
these long distance revelers were the result of Inuit party goers
improperly tied down at the bow and stern and without redundant nylon
straps. To my knowledge no one has found any ancient Thule racks at
excavated Inuit campsites. Is it possible that the Inuit would not have
discovered Colombia and set up themselves up as drug lords if they had had
Thule roof racks rather than stones to hold them done during parties? We
cannot know. but Jones theorizes that the Inuit colonized the west coast of
South America and that Inuit facial characteristics can be seen in Pinochet
today. This may be making a mole hill out of a despot. While Pinochet may
have bad body odor there have been no reports of his being able to fly or
even jump over a prostitute.

I myself believe that the great stone figures on the Nazca plain are
R.I.D.E. landing sites for drunken Crotch dirigible flyers where Indian
County Mounties would snag the Inuit with large butterfly nets and
incarcerate them until they either paid outrageous fines or submitted to
unspeakable acts by  proto-Deliverance death squads. I myself have seen
such acts while doing research on the Chilean dugout canoe and believe me
it is not a pretty sight. With the exception of Colombian drug lords I
think the evidence strongly  suggest that South America was populated by
Egyptians searching for lost cats.

In conclusion, by all means try caribou paunch salsa. The north has few
delicacies to compare but be certain to tie everyone down or at least eat
indoors and wear a hockey helmet. (Eating indoors won't always solve the
problem. One Inuit family found themselves at Bloor and Yonge after an all
night party. The property tax increase wiped them out and they are now
living under a culvert near the Bankrupt Sky Dome having been forced to
sell their igloo during a bad real estate downturn: Ed. note).

Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G

The Inuit Diet

1/11/99

How delightful to read about the wonderful fermented guillemot of
Greenland. Some of the fondest memories of my research in Greenland are of
sitting in an overheated hut with happy Inuit sharing a pot of guillemot
chased down with schnapps. To me the dish is reminiscent of Thai fish sauce
without the hot spices. More on that later.

Regrettably some dishes just don't make the transition to southern climes.
A friend developed quite a taste for the dish and employed hundreds of
Inuit to hunt guillemot and ferment them. He then shipped it to Canada
where he sold it in small jars labeled "Inuit Hoison Sauce". The resulting
epidemic of gastritis baffled doctors until a clever doctor discovered a feather
in the stomach contents of an addict and put two and three together to get
fermented guillemot. The product was taken off the shelves with unfortunate
consequences as Canadians worked their way through withdrawal. It was
during the period of withdrawal that Canada elected Brian Mulroney and got
in exchange the GST and a Prime Minister who could sing "When Irish Eyes
Are Shining" out of tune with Ronald Reagan.

It was a bad thing.

I have no idea whether any connection exists between the name of Nick
Schade's company  and fermented guillemot. John Winters reports that Nick
seems perfectly sane in most respects although John may not be the best
judge of such things.

As I mentioned there exists a similarity between fermented guillemot and
Thai fish sauce. The eminent culinary historian and ethnologist Septimus
Brott has followed the scent as it were and discovered that the Inuit
introduced fermented guillemot  to the Thais during one of their aerial
explorations of the southern hemisphere in BC 10 (see earlier posting on
Inuit crotch dirigibles).

Brott discovered ancient scrolls showing Inuit floating over palm trees
with a small pouch tied to their waists. Admittedly Brott wanders a bit
astray in suggesting that guillemot has hallucinogenic properties that led to
intermarriage with Thais and a corruption of the gene pool. Lusty as the Inuit
were I doubt if they would violate their rule not to interfere with alien life
forms during their explorations (it is of passing interest that Star Trek writers
adopted this rule in the not so memorable TV series thus showing how advanced the
Inuit were and how moral they were relative to, say, the Spanish who not only
raped and pillaged but introduced Christianity to natives of the western hemisphere).
Hard to forgive them for that Christianity thing. The Mayans and Incas used to have
such jolly fun sacrificing virgins and such. Life today is so boring.

But I digress.

At no time have I ever seen visions while eating guillemot and, in fact,
the more common result is temporary blindness not unlike one experiences from
drinking Sterno. I now see that absinthe is legal in Great Britain and
perhaps enlightened legislatures will allow fermented  guillemot in time
for the false millennium celebrations on January 1, 2000. No need to have
it for the real millennium. My neighbor, a priest of the Cult of the Second
Coming, says there will be nothing to celebrate for the real millennium
unless one belongs to his group. He has showed me chapter and verse
revealing that the Cult of the Second Coming will inherit the earth and not
the Jews as so many believe. Yesterday he stopped by and asked me to put in
sauna as he expects to have my house on the great day and always wanted a
sauna. Apparently he also wants my daughter.

As insurance I have joined his cult and a few others. One simply should not
take risks. I shall also wear my life jacket at all times and carry with me
flares, rescue lines, a wet suit, a VHF and GPS. I would carry a pocket planner at
all times but what would there be to plan? Maybe which horse to ride but
there being only four horsemen I think I can remember them. A bit partial
to Pestilence anyway.

Sincerely,
Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G

The Origins of Paunch Stew

4/12/98

I am greatly indebted to Richard Culpeper for bringing this (the origins of paunch stew)
to my attention and yet it would seem that once again the short and selective memory
of historians plagues us for Post modernist historians, anointed with the blood of DNA,
have discovered that the Sythians were descendants of Inuit crotch dirigible explorers
who were wafted south by Giant Rossby Waves.

The heat in southern climes promoted decay of their caribou skin crotch
dirigible bags (according to Klohr - Inuit Explorations, pp 223 - 265) and
they set down where there were no caribou. Attempts at making replacement
dirigibles out of the much heavier Oxen paunches failed and, like so many
science fiction travelers they were compelled to make the best of a bad
thing. However, in the same manner that scientists around the world make
great discoveries by accident, the Inuit developed all manner of uses for
Oxen. In only a few short centuries (centuries were shorter then due to a
priest class with little patience) there were Bar-B-Que parties across the
length and breadth of Sythia using the self cooking oxen and a Texan with a
J.R. Ewing syndrome would have felt right at home dancing the two-step with
victimized Sythian womanhood.

It is often remarked that drunken Texans, after eating a surfeit of
Bar-B-Que speak in tongues that have remarkable similarity to the Sythian
language.

Sadly, the Inuit interbred with Sythian prostitutes (the higher class of
Sythian womanhood objected to the Inuit pheromones) and, because they
failed to leave their lusty Inuit sexual appetites ( what else does one do
during the long winter nights?) at home they soon overpopulated the
country. The results were predictable. The mongrelized race grasped
control of the local genitalia. The tragic treatment of the gentle Lesbians still
disturbs historians who, upon reading about it break down into tears. Histories of
the period are now printed on waterproof paper like so many Inland waterway
guides. Had it not been for the intercession of more enlightened Inuit who
kept their race and paddling style, pure Lesbians would have been wiped from
the face of the earth.

We must beware of the careless use of labels. Just as one is tempted to
assume that "Sythians" are "Sythians" and not the offspring of Inuit
explorers emulating Spanish Conquistadors so are we tempted to carelessly
use the term "Greenland" and apply it to paddles and paddling styles as if
they have a purity of form and purpose, Indeed, the so called "Greenland
style" of paddling is in reality the "British style" of paddling. As the
Greenlanders moved away from human powered watercraft to the much more
efficient Hondas and Yamahas they lost their original skills. The Brits, seeing a
way to capitalize on the short historical memory (sadly the Inuit could not write
and their side of the story was lost) introduced the British style via BCU coaches who,
like the missionaries before them did unspeakable things to young Inuit boys, The
Inuit trusted the Brits as experts and soon claimed the reintroduced but corrupted
style as the style of their grandfathers.

In this we see the effect of reverse cultural intrusion and the failure of
oral tradition to accurately transmit culture.

Today, the Greenland style of paddling is erroneously labeled for in fact
it is the British style as modified and corrupted by British army officers
playing at Eskimo and returned to the Inuit via the the BCU propaganda
machine.

Sad but true. Historians are but bad writers of fiction.

And what is the true Greenland style of paddling? We can never know
although we are blessed with an ample number of experts who do know and
should not be troubled that they cannot agree. Sea kayaking magazines would
consist of but ten pages of advertising and an article about the mysticism
of paddling were it not for the growth industry in Greenland revisionist
history.

Respectfully,

Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G

The British Influence on Greenland Paddling

12/6/98

I am deeply indebted to Greg Stamer for reminding me of the British
influence on Greenland kayaking via the importation of the British male
social club. Soon after arriving in Greenland the Brits introduced the male
social club to Inuit men who took to sitting around the fire saying "Jolly
Good Old Man" and "I say" and "Did I tell you the one about Lord Muktuk
getting thrown from a seal into some gorse bushes",  like British
politicians to a prostitute.  Long before Menasse was a glimmer in his
father's eye during the long arctic night Inuit men were sopping up British
culture while, unbeknownst to them, the British were laying the subversive
groundwork for the BCU.

What were these Brits doing in Greenland? Why they were seeking an air
route across the Arctic. Cynics might ask how one finds an air route by
kayak but they ask out of ignorance. The Brits were well aware of Inuit
crotch dirigibles from pictographs left on the outer Hebrides and in London
subway toilets (most saying Seal Blubber Rules). They knew that the Inuit
had mastered flight long before they mastered paddling but that somehow the
two were linked and they were determined to find out how..

But I digress.

The Inuit kayak club structure provided the means by which British paddling
technique could be introduced to young Inuit as "the methods of our
Grandfathers" through audio visual methods such as slide shows and British
Pub songs.

Today the transformation is complete and the Inuit (as Mr. Stamer so kindly
points out) have expanded upon their basic BCU paddling range using
various practical training methods such as lorries to pull the kayak sideways
(one can never tell when one might harpoon a lorry or even a Russian submarine
and be towed sideways). I myself have had occasion to harpoon an American
anthropologist while he molested a juvenile seal and my training with lorries stood
me in good stead. He must have towed me seven versts before being subdued.

I must, however, take issue with Mr. Stamer's use of the term "Traditional
rolls". Despite my search of Inuit histories written in the original Hebrew
I could find not one mention of rolls prior to the construction of the
Great Inuit Subway system. As I have explained elsewhere, the Inuit who
roll only do so because they failed to catch their subway. Successful Inuit
do not resurface. In such accidental ways do new sports appear. You can
imagine their frustration at rolling down to catch the cross town and not
even finding the station. No wonder Mr. Stamer had trouble getting clear
information from a visiting Inuit. The poor man couldn't understand why he
was being asked to catch the subway when there was no subway to catch.

American paddlers, believing that rolling is the reason for paddling (Many
never paddle anywhere but in swimming pools where their rolls can be more
easily viewed in the clear water) have refined the sport and now have over
three hundred different rolls. Individual freestyle, medley and
synchronized rolling are being offered as demonstration sports at the next
winter Olympics. I believe Mr. Stamer does the Brits a disservice to imply
that they cannot do as many. The average non paddling Brit can perform any
number of rolls after a solid meal of bangers and mash. Imagine what he
could do with a boat and BCU Star.

Once again I thank Mr. Stamer for calling my attention to the impact of the
British Club System on Greenland Style paddling and look forward to sharing
an oil drum of paunch with him the next time we meet in Greenland.

Sincerely,

Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G

Paddle Tethers

25/03/98

I (John Winters) have been reading the posts on tethers and tandem boats with some
interest so took a few posts down to the random meeting of the Burk's Falls Sculling and
Punting Club for discussion and beer.

Dr. Inverbon (never shy) spoke right up saying he had been paddling canoes
for over forty years and never used a tether.  It was his hypothesis that
sea kayakers might suffer from a return-to-the-womb syndrome (possibly
explaining the need to crawl into a boat instead of kneeling as any self
respecting  Catholic and paddler would do). That the tether is attached to
the boat rather than the paddler might suggest a deep seated insecurity
about the mother's love or perhaps a rejection of a mother that did not
allow staying up late to watch Letterman.

I myself have seen paddlers caught in rough waves and high winds curl into
the fetal position and whimper quietly so perhaps there is some support for
Dr. Inverbon's theory. Speculative Klohr, our local mortician, (he doesn't
have much to do since people around here live to a ripe old age and young
people move away to the big smoke so he has lots of time to paddle)
supported  Dr. Inverbon saying that he also refused to use a tether and wondered
if kayakers were just manually challenged and unable to hold their paddles.
Percy, my next door neighbor and frequent paddling companion, said he
thought they (sea kayakers) were gear addicts and that they couldn't resist
playing with their GPS's, VHF's etc.. all at the same time and kept
dropping things. Lots of laughter at that.

To me this was a bit of an insult to my kayaking friends and I explained
how complicated a capsize was. First one capsizes and attempts a roll. That
fails so you try again. That fails so you bail out holding on to the paddle
with one hand and the boat with the other. The GPS you hold in your teeth
(the VHF is under the forward deck bungies). You then right the boat and
holding on to your paddle with one hand and the boat with the other you
reach for your paddle float while you spit the GPS into the cockpit.
Realizing you can't do this as both hands are already occupied you let go
of the boat which begins to be blown away. You grab for the boat and drop
the paddle and it starts to get blown away (forgot your tether Eh?). Now
you swim to the downwind side so the boat will be blown up against you
instead of away. Attach the paddle float while holding on to the boat with
your toes (having already removed your Tevas), and begin to crawl back into
the boat using your toes and left hand while you use your right hand to
free your testicles from the deck bungies. Unfortunately you have tried to
enter the boat from the downwind side and the boat recapsizes in the next
breaking wave (what are you doing capsizing in non breaking waves?). Now
you remember the GPS is no longer in your mouth and holler for help but
realize that your friends have also capsized (they were smart and followed
the rule that you always paddle with some one more skilled better than
their selves but unfortunately you were the one who was more skilled). Now
reach for the VHF that has somehow come out from under the deck bungies
being careful not to swallow the GPS or let go of the boat with your right
hand, the paddle float with your left, pull up your spray skirt that is
slipping down around your knees with your right or left or any appendage
not being used.

Things are deteriorating so you inflate your inflatable PFD with your right
hand, hold on to the boat with your left, push the paddle and paddle float
back into the bungies with your left foot, and fish the EPIRB out of the
cockpit bag with your right foot. Now the PFD makes it impossible to get in
over the paddle float because it is so bulky and snags on the deck bungies,
your foul weather gear, the hatches, and the steering cables for the
rudder. You remove your knife with your left hand, hold on to the boat with
your right and cut away the deck bungies and steering cables thus releasing
the foul weather gear and your testicles. Unfortunately the paddle float
will no longer work. Holding on to the boat with your right hand you deploy
your empty bottles of Cloudy Bay Sauvignon Blanc but can't attach them with
only one hand so you let go of the boat and it starts to drift away.
Grabbing a loose bungie with your left hand you tie it around your neck and
then attach the bottles. Unfortunately you tied the bungie too tight and
the boat keeps jerking at your neck and you begin to lose consciousness.
Removing the bungie with your right hand while treading water with both
feet and holding on to the boat with your you  right (or left hand) you
manage to re- board the boat. Using your left hand to pump out the water
you use your right hand to put the knife back in its sheath so it won't cut
off your other testicle (your knife is on  tether, right?) . Now reinstall
the spray skirt with both hands (I know you have one of these tight fitting
skirts that won't pop off at the slightest whim) while you paddle floats
away while accidentally turning on the EPIRB with your left large toe that
you thought you were putting back into your  Tevas.

Once bailed you throw away the pump (remember you cut off the bungies) and
reattach your spray skirt now you reach for your paddle. OOPS, that was
your paddle you saw floating away. Lucky you. A passing capsized kayak
belonging to a friend no longer attached to his boat and not hollering for
help loud enough to obligate you to go to his aid has a spare paddle. Too
bad you can't see your friend or you would surely go to his aid but, since
you can't, you paddle to the shoreline with a clear conscience where you
meet with some kayakers who comment on your ordeal.

When asked how they managed in the storm  they reply that they noticed the
barometer was falling rapidly, the air was getting colder, the dark bank of
clouds to the west  and felt it might be too dangerous in deteriorating
weather to paddle around the exposed point.

Bunch of wimps.

You then relaunch thinking you might still make it home in time for the
hockey game and feeling sorry for those wimps who would rather sit out a
storm than go paddling. Being a caring paddler you look around for any of
your friends but assume that, because you can't see them, they have gone on
ahead and you will meet them at the take out.

When I explained this to my fellow club members they apologized for being
so hasty in their judgement. Dr. Inverbon, however, is a hard case and
suggested that maybe, just maybe, less gear and more smarts were in order.

Of course, Dr. Inverbon is a radical.

Tandem Kayaks

24/03/98

Regarding tandem sea kayaks, Here in Ontario where canoeing is more popular
that sea kayaking we do a lot of paddling in tandem boats. The typical
tripping canoe is only 16' long and, remarkably enough, we manage to carry
all our gear and even manage to carry on conversations with wives,
children, partners, and significant others. We even have to get out
occasionally and carry the gear and boat and oddly enough we do that
without too much difficulty. Dr. Inverbon suggests that it is the deck that
causes so many problems for tandem sea kayakers. Indeed, it may be (he
theorizes) that sea kayak decks are sound proof and emit white noise
between the paddlers making communication impossible between bow and stern
paddler.  (I see potential here for some inventor to develop a speaking
tube between paddling stations) The storage problem can be traced to the
size of most kayak builder's shops. There just isn't enough room to build
both a deck an a hull in  large enough size to hold a GPS, VHF,
refrigerator for ice cream, paddle float, Cloudy Bay Sauvignon Blanc,
tethers, assorted wet and dry suits, knives, folding chairs, etc.. So,
impoverished builders do the best they can and just make the boats smaller.
If paddlers were willing to pay more for their boats builders could buy
bigger garages and build bigger boats.

On the other hand, maybe a bigger boat wouldn't look as nice on the BMW.

Inuit Crotch Dirigibles

09/04/98

Brian wrote

Seal Molesters

26/04/98

Jackie wrote;
>> One of the biggest complaints from the personnel at the facility comes from
people picking up baby seals found on the beach thinking they are orphans.
<<

Who has not been tempted to fondle the silky supple body of a wanton young
seal. It is enough to drive any young west coast lad to cast away his
Victoria's Secret catalogue and go screaming wildly to the beach. And is it
all his fault? Driven wild with desire by non co-operative feminists
trussed up in vinyl and already pierced with enough hardware to set off all
the security checks at LAX from a distance of twenty paces. Certainly the
seals are not entirely blameless, batting those big liquid brown eyes at
everyone who passes and writhing sensuously on the sand.

This is  no new phenomenon. For centuries Selkies have been luring
unsuspecting Scottish lads away from the farm. (Skeptics will say they were
running away from  haggis but we know better) The Selkie was a kind of
early days UFO that, unlike modern UFO's that only kidnap housewives,
garage attendants, and untenured college professors with a book in the back
of their heads, only took rural young Scots who could not afford a ticket
to Edinburgh. That the precise amount of a train ticket to Edinburgh was
usually missing after the young person disappeared was only a coincidence.

Various misguided church women's groups have done nothing to alleviate the
problem on the west cost beaches. Armed with Gucci shopping bags filled
with cast off Tommy Hilfiger and Calvin Klein they have been ranging the
beaches in an attempt to cloth the seals. It avails them nothing. I myself
have seen a pre-pubescent beach bunny being lured behind a red Corvette by
a seal dressed in a Chicago Bulls jacket and trailing the scent of candied
licorice.

Perhaps it is time we became more enlightened regarding trans species
relations. I know it has only been recently that we abolished miscegenation
laws in the US but are we not capable of extending equal rights to all.

Even so, I can sympathize with the residents of the beaches. Having pimply
faced juveniles picking up seals in your front yard is not good for
property values. Both parties could get on with it better in a trendy night
club than on the beach where all can witness their lewd and lascivious
acts.

Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G
Transcribed by his humble servant John Winters

The Makah Whale Hunt

09/08/98

Anthropologists have long puzzled over the origins of traditional hunting
practices and their persistence into modern times even when they may no
longer be consistent with modern realities. The hunting of the Makahs is
just one good example.

Because whales have no written history much of what we know we have deduced
from whole cloth. As an aside Professor Letta presents useful insights into
why the whales abandoned writing although I, for one, do not  subscribe to
his theory. Anyone who has heard the plaintive and blatantly sexual whale
mating songs can ever think the whales would abandon writing as a reaction
to excessive pornography in their books. I have spent many hours combing
the sea bottom and have yet to find one pornographic book written by
whales. So, Prof. Letta's theory is interesting but hardly rigorous.
getting back to the point, we cannot know why the whales first started
hunting the Makahs but we do have hints as to why the practice persisted.

Whales, of course, are more than just another sentient species that refused
to come ashore when the life guards blew the whistle. They built the great
inverted pyramids of the sea and rank among the greatest engineers of the
pre-industrialized world. The most famous of the pyramids is the Marianas
Trench that geologists so carelessly attribute to plate tectonics. I
confess that at one time I believed the trenches to be great oceanic
freeways where the whales could ride concentrated currents in their annual
migrations but the complete absence of any road signs or comfort stations
puts the lie to that theory.

How could whales that have no arms blast out these great trenches? Well the
key is in the word "Blast". It is well known by cannibals around the world
that the native North Americans cause flatulence when cooked with a liberal
dose of chili powder. That, of course brings us to the Makahs and the whale
hunt. As you can imagine it is difficult to catch a Makah when they spend
so much of their time ashore. The whales got around this problem by baiting
the Makah fishermen with great whale lures (predating the Trojan horse by
many centuries). The Makah, much like any other game took the bait and
built a religion around it (fly fisherman should be familiar with this).
Even today many Makah think they are hunting the whales when in fact it is
the whales hunting the Makah. Regrettably the Makah have been armed by
unscrupulous arms dealers and the balance of power is now out of balance.
There is no partiality in this. The symbol of the modern arms dealer is a
short fat blindfolded man with Uzi balanced on a set of scales. The arms
dealer sells arms not ideology. Arms dealer, though they profit from
politics take no real interest in which side is right or wrong. Yesterday I
was talking with a representative from the Colt firearms Company and he
says they will soon have weapons that can be used by wildlife. The mind
boggles at the thought of deer armed to the teeth with repeating weapons.
Lends a whole new perspective to the hunting season. How long before before
whales are armed with torpedoes? Keep in mind that whales have not signed
any treaties and natives will be fair game.

Why then, you rightly ask, do we only hear about the whales that are killed
in this battle? Why indeed? The whales haven't access to Time magazine or
even Newsweek and you don't expect the Makahs to advertise their losses do
you? No, this is nothing more that a PR game on the part of Makah elders
who hope to kill off the youngsters who are itching for tribal power.

Like everything else, this is a political battle and the whales are but
pawns. Big pawns but pawns nonetheless.

Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G
Transcribed by his humble servant John Winters

Paddling Cuisine

Last night the Professor stopped by for a glass of Inniskillin Aligote and
a spell of porch sitting after first checking to see that my wife was not
home. The professor once patted my wife's behind at a faculty party while
exclaiming loudly to all present that Pamela had a Rubenesque behind. Of
course, Pamela took offence. She is hardly Rubenesque and old Peter Paul
would have been considered her anorexic and hardly worthy of fetching the
hot chocolate much less posing for a painting.

After enduring his specious comments on the poor vintage (1996 really
wasn't not a bad year for whites and it was better than the cheap French
plonk he serves when forced to entertain) I told him about Michael's
comment

>>Next time you have a bite to eat, you might ask yourself,
"Who is this?"<<

on Paddlewise. You can't set up Inverbon like that so I  turned on the tape
recorder and sat back for the monologue. It follows suitably edited for
young readers.

You know, he said, that reminds me of my Aunt Nefertiti. As you know all my
aunts were named after great beauties of history but this once it was
inappropriate. Helen was a looker as was Sarah but Neffie was a bit horse
faced.  The children in town once mistook her for the pony ride at the
fair. No end of trouble over that. Seems you cannot horse whip children
anymore. She didn't have much of a figure either and reminded me of the
those bronze sculptures of Rozinante.

Anyway, she was a great believer in reincarnation. I think she was
perfectly sane in all other respects. At least until she began talking to
animals. It came to a head one Christmas. She took it into her mind that
Grandfather had come back as a pig and argued at length with the Christmas
ham over whether it had been over cooked. Quite disconcerting to the
children. She said Grandfather would have preferred being Bar-B-Qued
anyway. Neffie always loved Bar-B-Que.

In later years she expanded the  theme to vegetables and could be found
arguing philosophy with Hegel in the garden. Hegel never struck me as being
an eggplant kind of guy but then I didn't know him personally. Neffie
wasn't unreasonable about this reincarnation stuff at least not at first.
She subscribed to the healthy cannibal's belief that eating another person
imbued one with that person's strengths and courage. She drew the line at
peas. Said they were all Chinese - all looked the same and there were so
many of them. Neffie never did like the Chinese. Loved beans though.
Thought they were Bhuddists. Loved Bhuddists.

I guess these things can wear on the mind. One evening when Father was
entertaining business clients at home Neffie jumped up  from the table
scramming "I'm not a cannibal" at the Rutabagas. We found her later curled
up in the corner of the garden shed petting a carrot.

Father said he didn't mind her making a scene in front of clients but she
spilled a perfectly good glass of Zindt - Humbrecht Pinot Gris and that was
unforgivable.

Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G
Transcribed by his humble servant John Winters

Teaching The Inuit To Paddle

10/08/98

The question on everyone's lips is, "How did the Inuit learn to paddle
without certification?"

I have pondered this problem for many years and am pleased to say that,
after the most diligent research involving the study of Pingo pictographs,
oral tradition (nothing to do with Monica Lewinski), and  extensive
interviews with British kayakers in their native habitat, that I believe
the answer is at hand.

We know, of course, that the Inuit did not have a written language and so,
could not have a certificate even if they had BCU courses. I myself have
visited the homes of Inuit paddlers and found not one single certificate
nor could I find a single picture of Derek Hutchinson. This conclusively
proves that the Inuit could not paddle. Yet how , one asks, did they get
from one place to another without paddling? The answer lies in ones ability
to correctly observe a phenomenon through the smog of every day experience.
For example, we know that bees cannot fly and yet all of us have seen them happily
buzzing about on a warm summer's day. How is this possible? Von Berlitz was the
first to recognize that our perspectives were wrong and attributed (quite correctly
I believe) bee flight to antigravity and points out that the bees have to work ever
so hard to keep from flying off into space. The Romans who domesticated
bees are thought to have tied them to Roman buildings using Spider Silk thus
creating aerial cities. Regrettably none of these great aerial cities are left to study
since they all fell down when nectar supplies ran short after the invasions of the Gauls.
Bees are known to despise Gauls and were the first to evacuate. Today, of
course, bees spend much of their lives holding on to flowers - a rather
poor substitute for marble.

I know what you are thinking, the professor has gone around the bend and
thinks kayaks can fly. Not so. I use the example of the bees to show how
the common perception may be distorted by faulty observation. Even today
some people believe bees fly despite all evidence to the contrary.

But I digress.

The fact is that Inuit kayaks were subway cars that traveled a vast
network of undersea subway tubes. The Inuit had no need to paddle further
than the nearest station. Whenever they wanted to travel they just rolled
upside down and entered one of their underwater tunnels. Professor Klohr
claims that the the tubes sucked the Inuit from one place to another but I
think it fair to say he is obsessed with American politics and the
discovery of graffiti on ice bergs saying "There is no such thing as
gravity, the earth sucks." is not necessarily Inuit since they have no
written language. I believe (and I think further research will bear out)
that the Inuit used captive Rossby waves.

Mind the system wasn't perfect. Occasionally a hapless Inuit hunter would
end up at the Bloor and Yonge station and get mugged by skinheads, or
worse, get off at Queen's Park and turn into a politician. Most of the time they
just stuck out their paddle as they approached a station and were spun off
into Tuktoyuk or Pond Inlet. No certificate needed, just a parka full of tokens.
Anthropologists thought missing Inuit drowned when they left home and didn't
come back. Here again is evidence of the narrow perspective of anthropologists.
All of them turned up somewhere else where they were indistinguishable from
other Inuit. The unsuccessful Inuit would roll back up when they ran out of
breath and go home. The anthropologists, believing no one would want to cut
an interview short, thought these were the successful rollers while all the
time the happy hunters were sucking muktuk a hundred or so versts away.

One must be amused that the British national sport of kayak rolling is the
result of British subway envy. Psychological progress is being as recently
the Brits  have built a Chunnel of their own that allows them to visit the
brothels of Paris. No doubt the Scots created golf under a similar
misunderstanding when they observed gophers darting into their holes and
did not recognize it as the antecedent to bizarre sexual practices in San
Francisco.

We must be tolerant of the British Explorers who were, no doubt, cold and
hungry and not really on top of things. It was the Brits who also spread the
misinformation that Inuit men shared their wives with visitors. No self respecting
Inuit would do such a thing and besides the Brits smelled bad and Inuit women
could not stand to be around them. Wanting to be accommodating the Inuit
men would send the deprived and depraved tars to the seal rookeries saying,
"Get thee to a rookery". The Brits misunderstood thinking the seals were
Inuit nuns. The Jolly British Tar likes his women with whiskers so the deception
went unnoticed.

Sadly this vast underwater subway system  has fallen into disuse with the
introduction of the freighter canoe and outboard motor. Sad how transient traditions are.

Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G

ANNOUNCING A NEW IMPROVED SAFETY DEVICE FOR KAYAKERS

In the fast paced world of sea kayak safety no company can stand still so we
told our engineers to wipe the slate clean and start with a fresh, new approach
to sea kayak safety. The result - New Patented Genuine Canadian Ballast Rocks (TM).
The new international standard of kayak safety.

New Genuine Canadian Ballast Rocks (TM) provide both secondary and primary
stability. The world has long waited this remarkable development that is sweeping
the maritime world. Every type of watercraft from Very Large Crude Carriers to
rubber ducks can now have absolute safety. Unlike ISED's (Inflatable Stability
Enhancing Devices) Genuine Canadian Ballast Rocks (TM) cannot be punctured, will
not leak and do not require any training to use.  Genuine Canadian Ballast Rocks (TM)
inflate themselves upon demand due to a remarkable new material developed in our
laboratories that senses panic in a paddler. They come in very trendy earth tones and
offer no added resistance to paddling.

The advantages are significant. Genuine Canadian Ballast Rocks (TM) will only
inflate when and if you need them. Unlike ISED's that can only be inflated by
mouth after you are in the water, you need not leave the cockpit of your boat to
inflate Genuine Canadian Ballast Rocks (TM). Best of all, sophisticated electronics
powered by a protozoa present in all water (except swimming pools) sense the direction
of roll and inflate the Genuine Canadian Ballast Rocks (TM) sequentially thus making
a roll instantaneous and automatic.

Before Genuine Canadian Ballast Rocks (TM) paddlers had to equip themselves with
both ISED's (Inflatable Stability Enhancing Devices) and secondary stability enhancing
devices (SSED's) like Florida sand, New Zealand Pumice Rocks. Rocky
Mountain River Rocks etc.

Now get everything in one package at our introductory price of $12.95 US. Because
spray skirts are no longer needed, you will save the purchase price many times over.
Don't waste your money on ISED's or SSED's when you can have everything in one package.

Genuine Canadian Ballast Rocks (TM) are the only safety device
approved by all military organizations, and all marine safety organizations
(SNAME, De Nordske Veritas, Lloyd's, NASA, ASNE, ABS, ATMA, IESS, IMO, RINA,
NTSB, etc.).

Seal Bladders

Hardly a day passes that some confused little tike approaches me and, tugging
on my lifejacket says, "It is well known that intelligent arctic peoples used
inflated seal bladders to augment the stability of sea kayaks that, through the
influence of misguided proto Brit BSU instructors, were too narrow for safety,
Mr. Winters, Sir.

One can only pat their darling little heads, disentangle their sticky candied
fingers from my PFD and set them straight.

Inflated seal bladders were Unknown to the Inuit and Aleuts prior to the
arrival of the Hudson Bay Company in the western hemisphere that the HBC
erroneously thought was a great land of plenty and opportunity but what was in
reality only America with lots of beaver. (At that time there was no Canada.
Indeed, many people would say there still is no Canada or, at least, that it is
irrelevant). But I digress. The HBC soon found that the Inuit were a ready
market for tobacco but that its use was restricted to land since a roll would
extinguish the flame and make re-ignition impossible. The Inuit are, however,
renown for their ingenuity and began pre smoking the weed and blowing it into
the seal bladders normally used for football by Labrador United and other semi
professional football teams.

Thus the inflated bladders allowed a hunter to paddle out hunting and take a
drag without difficulty.

Later, Colombian Whale Researchers seized opportunity and introduced crack
cocaine to the natives thus carrying bladders to a new high. It was not until
after introduction of crack cocaine that Kayakangst first appeared and deaths
among disoriented kayakers reached epidemic proportions. When the Colombians left
the natives turned to more convenient and less expensive alternatives such as gasoline
and model airplane glue. Today there are northern landfills full of unassembled plastic
model airplane kits and INCO is doing a feasibility study to see if they
are worth mining.

It was inevitable that some one would discover that leaving an orally inflated
vinyl tube in the northern sun causes a reaction between vinyl and CO2 that produces
a hallucinogen ranking right up there with KRAZY GLUE and fermented duct tape.
Enterprising natives soon developed huge sites around abandoned DEW line bases where
cylinders are filled and processed. The DEA's hands are tied as the vinyl tubes are
considered a religious artifact and the DEW line bases ancient religious sites where
virgins were studied. Piles of pictures from Playboy magazine left by clean living and
normally incorruptible American soldiers at DEW line bases are proof that some mystical
power overcomes people at the sites causing them to develop a religious passion for
virgins or at least pseudo virgins.  One can only guess what would have happened if
the early Inuit had had a patent attorney. Surely they would now be rolling in greenbacks
or, in the case of Canada, green, blue, red, and brown backs from the sale of drug
inhalants disguised as safety devices.

Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G
Transcribed by his humble servant John Winters

Feminine Navigation (Testicular Navigation)

This may ultimately be the defining question of sea kayaking. far more
important than the Irish Question or even "Where is the beer?".

It will help to phrase the question in a more succinct form as "Can women
navigate in the open ocean?"

I think I can clearly prove the negative. Various American Talk Shows have
focused on the differences between men and women (Oprah, Letterman, etc. not
to mention such ground breaking books as Men are from Mars and Women are from
Venus) and all these scientific studies have obtained similar results which
I call the Sexual Uncertainty Overlay because it obscures all other issues.

The findings have been that men refuse to ask directions even when lost and
that women will ask directions even if they know where they are. Thus it
follows that women cannot navigate in open ocean because there is no one to
ask. One might think that men cannot navigate either since they won't even
ask where they are but I have met plenty of men who will tell you right up
front that "This is where we are." As we were there, it is clear they knew.
Many men are equally adept at telling one where to go. How do they know where
they are but haven't asked? How did they get there?

Clearly they have a physical tool for navigation that is not possessed by
women. What this equipment is should be obvious as it is shaped like a pointer.
I find it equally telling that it points best when excited and no doubt
Columbus and his merry men were all the merrier when they finally reached land
in the new world. Some cynics say that Columbus thought he was in China but
he was too clever for that. He knew right away he had discovered something
unique and set about spreading Christianity and syphilis like all good explorers
before and after.

But I digress.

It should be apparent that the pointer is essential to open water navigation
and that the testicles are equally important. Catholic choir boys in days
gone by were known to wander about the Vatican aimlessly asking directions in
the purest of tones after having their testicles removed (possibly the only
scientific study ever done on the phenomenon of male navigation).

The great nagging question of naval architecture is how one might design a
boat to assist in testicular navigation. I am confident the answer will be
found through getting in touch with one's male self (surely a simple matter
since there are no female kayak designers). A little moonlight howling with
other males should do the trick. Beer, however may be counterproductive as Rednecks in the south after a night of howling and drinking weak crappy tasting
beer are often found not knowing where they are or how they got there.

Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G
Transcribed by his humble servant John Winters

Death by Spam

From the Wavelength mailing list

TI wrote;

Well, I don't think there is any defense nor could any right thinking person condone killing people with SPAM. The very thought boggles.

A more disgusting death I cannot imagine. Enveloped in a seething, bubbling mass of SPAM the poor child cries out for help that will never come. Can anything save you from SPAM? Indeed, I have personally felt the effects of SPAM and, were I not of strong constitution (One of the virtues of being raised in the South were men are men and the women are too) I would not be here today to tell the tale. Tales of first aid providers succumbing to the noxious fumes of SPAM while giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation are true as it is also true that SPAM laden transfers in the image of a long inflatable tube are being sold to kids in elementary schools. And so the fruit of our loins will die a slow lingering death or at least be so weakened that they  will not be able to roll even in bed.

Here in Ontario it is now illegal to carry a concealed can of SPAM. One can only hope the government will act to stop the reprehensible trade of SPAM to minors.  The worst is only now only emerging. SPAM is contagious and can be spread electronically. Camps and schools around the world are being infected by SPAM and Symantec and McAfee have been helpless in preventing its spread over the Internet. Imagine tons of electronic SPAM enveloping our cities, spewing forth from our monitors and CPU's while the perpetrators of this nefarious plot laugh.

Make no mistake, this is a plot. I call on all paddlers to be aware of the five warning signs and act.

1. Is it irrational?

2. Does it quote out of context?

3. Does it make spurious claims?

4. Is it made from pork by-products?

5. Did Tim sign his name?

If any of these warning signs are evident, hit the delete button as quickly as possible. Your life and reason may be in danger.

Dr. Peregrine Inverbon, Ph.d., DD, LL.d, Ph.G
Transcribed by his humble servant John Winters